What is dating violence?

Dating violence is repeated physical, emotional or sexual abuse used to frighten, hurt, and control a girlfriend or boyfriend.  In a violent dating relationship, one person is afraid of and intimidated by the other.  Abuse can take place among people who may be "going out", dating, living together, engaged or married.  Violence within an intimate relationship includes, but is not limited to, the following behaviors:

• Physical Abuse:  includes pushing, shoving, pinching, scratching, hitting, kicking, slapping, abandoning, in a dangerous place, and holding someone to keep her/him from leaving.
• Emotional Abuse:  includes name-calling, constant criticizing, threatening, public humiliation, controlling behavior, isolating from others, beahaving jealously and destroying possessions.
• Sexual Abuse:  includes continued sexual advances after being told "no", unwanted or uncomfortable touching, calling someone sexually derogatory names, and unwanted sex.

*If any of these are happening  in your relationship, talk to someone.  Without help, the abuse is likely to continue and even worsen.

How can I tell if my relationship is becoming violent?

Look for the following "red flags" and "green flags".  Red flags are warning signs that the relationship is likely to become violent.  Green flags mean that the relationship is probably healthy.

             RED Flags                                                                              GREEN Flags

             Blows up at little things.                                      Expresses anger appropriately.

             Isolates you from friendly family.                        Encourages you to socialize with others.

             Can't express emotions verbally.                        Talks about feelings.

             Treats partner like property.                               Respects and value others.

             Solves conflicts with violence.                             Resolves conflicts without using violence.

             Blames others for own faults.                             Accepts responsiblity for choices.

 

What should I look for in a healthy dating relationship?

Think vitamin C! For a relationship to be healthy, it needs its recommended daily allowance of the following five essentials:

• Confidence:  Both partners feel good about themselves and respect their own thoughts, feelings and needs.
• Communication:  Partners share feelings and ideas; they really listen to each other, even when they disagree.
• Conduct:  All healthy relationships have rules that help us to connect with each other positively. For instance, agreeing to be respectful and honest builds trust in relationships.
• Connections:  No single relationship should isolate us from our friends or families.
• Compromise:  Healthy relationships involve "give and take". 

What can I do if I'm being abused in a dating relationship?

Most importantly, remember that you are not responsible for the abuse.  No matter what anyone tells you, no one ever ask to be abused!  Abusers make a conscious choice to be violent and intimidating. They use their anger as a tool to gain power and control over their victims.  But even with this knowledge, you cannot make the abuser stop hurting you.  If leaving the relationship is not an immediate option for you, help is available in the meantime!

• Tell an adult you trust.  Like the abuse itself, the pain and fear it causes won't magically vanish.  Consider getting counseling, even if  the abuse happened long ago.
• Get medical attention if you've been physically harmed.
• Create a safety plan:  a way for you to end the relationship and get the emotional support you need.  This may include hiding an extra set of car keys and spare cash so that you can get away in an emergency.  Also, review your options if you were being abused and you were unable to get away:  calling 911, setting off fire alarms, signaling a neighbor, etc.
• Call Help Incorporated:  Center Against Violence's 24-hour Crisis Hotline:  336-342-3332.  You can call anonymously; all of Help Incorporated services, including our hotline, are free and confidential. (Help Incorporated is a mandated reporter of child abuse or elder abuse, the mistreatment or neglect of a child or elderly person by a caregiver.)
• For the statewide National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) hotline- (303)839-1852.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline- 1(800)799-SAFE (7233).

 

 

 

How can I help a friend who is experiencing dating violence?

Most importantly, believe your friend.  Victims need to know they will not be doubted or blamed for the abuse.  Don't judge or criticize.  Tell her that the dating violence won't get better by itself.  Recommend that she get the help of a trusted adult, and encourage her to get out of the relationship.  Suggest options.  Often a victim of abuse will feel there are no choices .  Let her be in control of the planning and decision-making, including who knows about the dating violence.  Ask her if there is anything you can do, but know that you do not have the power to fix everything.  Afterwards, take care of yourself.  Hearing about dating violence can be difficult and upsetting.  It is normal to feel angry, but confronting the abuser is not going to make the situation better.  Discuss your feelings with a crisis line or school counselor.

 

How can I reduce my risk of being in a dangerous dating situation?

• Be aware of controlling behavior in your date or relationship, such as: intimidating stares, refusal to accept "no" for an answer, extreme jealousy and possessiveness, insistence on making all the "important" decisions about the relationship or date, or violent behavior.
• Suggest a group or double date if you are unsure about a new person in your life.  Meet in public places where there are other people around and where you feel comfortable.
• If you feel pressured, coerced or fearful, protest loudly, leave, or go for help.  Make a scene.  Don't worry about hurting your partner's feelings if you think your partner is trying to hurt you in any way physically, sexually, or emotionally.